I recently had a conversation with another “relationship expert” on twitter. She published a book that follows all the same common relationship recommendations as the majority of other counselors out there. Basically, she believes in compromise to appease each other, individual changes that must be dealt with to maintain your relationship, willingness to accept the difficulties that she believes are an unavoidable part of all relationships, and all the other typical recommendations that convince people to give up significant things that they really want in their lives, and live one full of unfulfilled desires and forced compromises.

Our conversation has been focused on her belief that life is constantly changing and people have to be able to adapt to those changes. She believes people will never reach any sort of final destination where they’re 100% happy and comfortable with their life, nor will two people ever stop changing individually allowing them to be 100% comfortable with their relationship.

My stance is simple, once you know exactly who you want to be, and define exactly what you want out of life, you can be that person and you can reach that place. When you do that, you won’t want or need it to change anything ever again. You will be fulfilled, comfortable and happy.

When I told her that I’ve found that place in my life, she said that without further growth life becomes boring and relationships wither and die. Her support for that belief is a common phrase supporting evolution: creatures that don’t adapt become extinct.

Well in response to that sweeping generalization I want to let everyone who agrees with her to know something… I’M NOT BORED AND I’M NOT DEAD!

My life is exactly what I’ve always wanted it to be and I don’t intend to change a thing! I know exactly what hobbies my wife and I enjoy, and we take part in them regularly. We are comfortable in our careers, we are absolutely blissful in our marriage, and we have been happier every single day doing all the simple things in life that we love together, than either of us ever were in our lives before we met.

There is no frustration, no strife, and no disagreement. We don’t need to grow or change or adapt to anything because we are in absolute agreement that our lives are exactly what we want them to be and all our desires are being met perfectly. After all the work we’ve both put in for the last 40+ years, we are who we want to be, we are where we want to be, and we are thrilled with being here.

The growth, change and adaptability this woman speaks of aren’t spontaneous actions and they aren’t necessarily good for your life. People have to change how they live, “grow” through life experience, and adapt to new rules and occurrences when the way they’re presently living doesn’t work for one or both of them. The changes she speaks of are forced upon them when differing goals and desires lead to enough frustration and resistance from one or both of them, that they decide they have to change their lives or end their relationship. Due to the fact that the majority of society believes that changing things about how you live your life to appease your spouse is a better idea than ending your relationship, people begrudgingly make the necessary changes to save their relationship. She calls those changes, “growth” or “adapting to new experiences”. In truth, those changes are a concession and a detriment to whoever is being forced off the path they want to be on. Those changes might improve things for one, but they detract from the life and desires of the other.

Calling those things growth in order to put a positive spin on them doesn’t change the fact that someone is being asked to give up something important to them for the sake of maintaining a relationship with a person who has differing desires. That positive spin simply makes a difficult pill a little easier to swallow.

The underlying message that she is sending to people sounds smart when you look at it on the surface and consider outside influences. Jobs will change. Kids leave for college. People move into new houses or new communities. Life will introduce new situations that must be dealt with. You can resist those things if you choose, but you will have to deal with them, you have no choice. When those things happen, you do need to adapt to the differences in life that come along with them. However, there is a big difference between being forced to adapt to those things that happen outside your relationship and being forced to adapt because of things that happen between the two of you inside your relationship.

When you are being forced to change or adapt because of demands you put on each other due to different life goals and desires, you can influence that outcome. You can choose whether or not to change or adapt, and those choices have consequences that come along with them. Either you adapt and change to appease your spouse, and you feel frustration and animosity as a result, or you choose not to adapt to their desires and deal with frustration and animosity from them.

Over years and years of those types of decisions, forced adaptations or lack thereof, and resultant life changes, people do become someone else. Unfortunately for them, those changes aren’t necessarily good and those adaptations don’t necessarily make you or your life better.

Ironically, because of your willingness to adapt and change, people will become extinct in that scenario. Those people are the person you really are, and the person you really want to be.

My advice to you is simple. If there are things in your life that are important to you, don’t let anyone convince you that you should give them up. There are people out there for whom you won’t have to adapt. There are relationships out there for which you won’t have to change.

It may be easier to find one if you are willing to adapt and change in order to create a life that will make you and your significant other “happy”, but it will be hard for you to be truly happy in that life if those changes and adaptations force you to stop doing things that make you who you are.

Focus your efforts on finding someone you are compatible with in every single way and the two of you will have no problems adapting together to the changes life throws at you. Listen to the common recommendations of society and counselors who tell you to be willing to adapt and change in order to maintain your relationship, and the real you will surely become extinct.